Losing Sanity
by InfernalCadavers
Summary: Being locked up in Arkham can drive a sane person mad. I was trying hard to hold onto what sanity I had left but didn't know how much longer until I completely lost my identity. ON HIATUS (see profile)
1. Chapter 1

I had been at Arkham for almost six months now and had resided to being mute for the last four of them. During the first two months I had been through a handful of the shrinks on staff. Not because I was violent, towards them at least, but because I just genuinely did not want to talk to them. They were all typical, right out of school, must follow protocol. None of them actually ever listened, and I mean just listened. So I stopped talking. Not that I had said much anyway in the first place. All the shrinks cared about was why I supposedly went crazy. Well I guess I am maybe a little crazy. I honestly cannot tell you anything that happened before I was admitted to Arkham. Every once in awhile I remember snippets from my childhood or teen years but everything else is a blank. No one believes me when I say I do not remember they just automatically think I am crazy.

I occupy cell number 613 on the maximum security block. After I had a few episodes I guess you could call them I was deemed a threat to myself and others around me. At the time I was technically still a suspect in what I do not know so I was placed along with the other prisoners. Most days are uneventful; get up, eat, stare blankly, therapy, eat, stare blankly some more, more therapy, eat, go to bed. Right now two different shrinks are trying to crack me. That is why I have a double dose of therapy every day, unlike everyone else that only goes through the torture once. Boy do I feel special.

My cell is fairly small with a sliver of a window high up on the outside wall. Opposite that is a wall of extremely thick glass. At night a metal door is lowered for some semblance of privacy. After studying each and every wall very closely over the past five months I can tell you where every crack, chip, or scratch is. The cells on either side of me hold two guys. To my left from what I have heard is a serial rapist with a major Oedipus complex. On my right a schizophrenic serial killer who feels the need to burst out screaming bloody murder on average of five times a day. Across from me though the cell is empty and has been ever since I was transferred into mine.


	2. Chapter 2

I was lost in my own little world trying unsuccessfully to remember who I was when I noticed movement in the hallway. Glancing from the corner of my eye I saw three guards placing a prisoner in the cell across from me. Deciding it was much too fun to live in my imagination at the moment I paid him no more attention and instead withdrew into my mind once again. Within myself I felt as if there were three different personalities. Not as in multiple personality disorder but like three branches that made up my overall personality. The three were very distinct and just for fun I decided to name them. Lulu was goofy and silly and somewhat childish. This part of me enjoyed imagining myself in my own little world where I was far away from Arkham. Trixie was a badass and could handle her own. This part of me was aggressive and emotionally distant. When Trixie came out I was confrontational and was prone to my little episodes, as the shrinks called them. Rayne was wise and the most levelheaded. This part of me was smart and clever and was constantly watching and observing. Rayne was the most prominent part of my personality and kept Trixie in check most of the time.

Over the next few days I noticed the guy across from me studying me. Most of the time I paid no attention but a few times I would stand at the glass and just stare at him, trying to figure him out. He had traces of face paint around the edges of his face and I could only imagine why. He was obviously a major criminal since he was housed in the maximum security block. A few times I swore I should know who he was but every time I tried to recall my mind was blank.

The schizophrenic let out another ear piercing scream but I barely flinched. I knew that at any moment guards were going to arrive to take me to my first therapy session of the day. Seeing as how I have decided against talking with them I like to play little games during my sessions. I think my games are some part of the reason I go through so many different shrinks. Lulu has fun pretending to stare madly at them and thinking of new ways to try and freak them out. Dr. Raynor, one of my current shrinks, is the only one to be on my case for more than a week. He has been attempting to work with me for about a month now. My other shrink quit yesterday so my afternoon session should be interesting seeing as I meet yet another bright, young, doctor who wants to be the one to crack me.

Soon enough a guard approached and punched in the code for my door. I did not move causing him walk in and grab my arm. Trixie flares up. How dare he just manhandle me like that. I would have gotten up when I was damn well ready. Sorry for not being fast enough. Rayne quickly stepped in and put Trixie in check. No need to show off for the new guy, who I have decided to call 623, just yet. A look of boredom quickly spread across my face, leaving no sign of my angry streak, as I trudged out of my cell. The walk to the therapy room was short and soon I was sitting inside across the table from Dr. Raynor. As usual he had my file and a notepad ready in case he made any progress.

"Hello today. I hear the cell across from you is now occupied," he said trying to see if I would respond.

I stared at him as Lulu slowly came to the surface. While I was contemplating what game to play today I vaguely registered Dr. Raynor say something to the effect of if I do not talk at all I might forget how. A silent snicker fell across my face as Lulu decided to have a little fun. Getting up slowly I began to walk around the table. Being used to me walking around the room Dr. Raynor did not seem too interested at first. I came to stand right next to him and stared blankly down at his notepad.

"Do you want my notepad? Is there something you want to write down?" he asked hopefully.

I continued to stare as he pushed it slowly in front of me then set his pen down on it. Today I had decided to see if I literally spelled it out for him if Dr. Raynor would be smart enough to figure it out. Though Rayne was against the idea, fearing I would give too much information, Lulu was far too excited. As for Trixie, well she was still pissed about the guard. I grabbed the pen and notepad then walked over to the corner and took a seat on the floor. Dr. Raynor turned and watched me curiously but did not move from his chair. I tapped the pen against the notepad playing as if I was deep in thought. In reality though Lulu was laughing on the inside wondering what Dr. Raynor would think of the clue I was going to give him. Noticing a small spot on the top sheet I quickly ripped it off and crumpled it up. I wanted a clean sheet for what I was going to write. Finally bringing the pen down I began to write. It took a few minutes but eventually I managed to fill the page writing 'Lulu' over and over again. Tearing off that page I gently set it down then filled two more, one with 'Trixie' and the other with 'Rayne'. When I was finished I got up and walked back over to Dr. Raynor. I set the notepad and pen down on the table then handed Dr. Raynor the three pages I wrote on. He looked at them confused then back at me. I smiled widely down at him then started for the chair on the opposite side of the table.

For the rest of our session I sat there and stared at him with the smile still plastered on my face. By the time we were done I could tell that I had made Dr. Raynor feel uneasy. When time was up he hurried out of the room. Lulu was feeling playful still and when the guard came to take me back to my cell I was lost in my imagination. I was pretending I was on the hunt for my memory and that I had to make my way through a forest to find it. As we walked down the hall I would duck or jump to avoid imaginary obstacles. When I was finally back in my cell I decided that trying to get through the forest was too hard so I walked out of it and into a field of flowers. I spun around a few times before collapsing on the floor with a playful smile spread wide across my face. Tilting my head back slightly I looked across the hall at 623. He was staring intently at me with his left eyebrow cocked in a look of intrigue. Lulu found it extremely funny so I pretended to giggle without making any sound. I ended up silently laughing so hard I had to clutch my sides because they hurt.

Eventually Rayne surfaced and calmed Lulu down. For the moment I was actually quite comfortable lying on my back on the floor. Rayne decided to try and figure out who I was again so I was concentrating deeply on attempting to pull any information from my memory. It seemed like every time I got close my whole brain would shut down. This is usually when I had a so called episode. Trixie would surface right before but I could never remember why I would have one. During them was the only time I would talk but whenever I was told what I said none of it would make any sense.

Today Rayne was digging and digging but I knew that if I did not stop it would get bad. I could not bring myself to pull back though. I was desperate. I wanted to know who I was and what had happened to me. Suddenly Rayne disappeared and Trixie came forward. I could feel my whole body tense up as rage washed over me. I brought my hands up and gripped my head. It felt like a raging fire was consuming my brain.

"Get it out of my head, get it out of my head," I suddenly screamed, digging my nails in hard enough to draw blood.

I let out a guttural scream and thrashed against the floor. Something bad had happened to me. I was sure of that.

"Why did you let them do it? Where were you? You were supposed to protect me!" I screamed angrily at the top of my lungs.

Rolling over and getting to my knees I jerked my head up and stared at 623. It was only for a split second though as I slammed both fists into the concrete floor.

"Oh god no. No! What did you do? Why? Why?" I yelled harshly.

I barely had time to register the guards unlocking my door before they were inside trying to restrain me.

"Get off me! No don't do this to me! I need to know. Don't hurt me," I screamed as they tried to grab me.

Rage filled my eyes and I lashed out at all of them. I kicked one hard in the shin and managed to scratch another on the arm before they knocked me to the floor. They had left my door open, following protocol, and I fell halfway out into the corridor. Trying my best to grip the smooth concrete floor I looked up at man in the cell across from mine. Suddenly all the sounds around me faded and the edges of my vision blurred so I focused solely on him.

"Help me," I whispered.

It lasted only a second and then it was over. One of the guards had a hold of my ankles and dragged me back into my cell. My fingernails ripped across the concrete leaving small trails of blood until I was forced into a straight jacket. I was screaming madly, my voice growing hoarse with each passing second. Trixie was furious and I was doing everything I could to get away from the guards. One of them grabbed my shoulders and another one my feet. I thrashed around as they did their best to carry me down the hall.

After getting checked out at the infirmary I was put back into a straight jacket and placed in one of the temporary padded isolation cells. Lulu was frightened and scared. Whatever it was I was trying to remember was something terrible. Silent tears streamed down my face as I sat in the corner trying to forget everything that had just happened. My whole body ached and the tips of my fingers burned where the nails had been torn or ripped off. Feeling exhausted and wanting to be rid of my throbbing headache I lay down on the padded floor and drifted off to sleep.

The sound of the cell door opening pulled me from my uneasy slumber. As I sat up and shook the sleep from my still puffy face I saw a young female shrink walk in. A fake smile was placed flawlessly on her face with her clipboard in hand. She peered at me through her thin rimmed glasses then took a seat on the floor and leaned against the wall opposite me.

"Hi. I'm Dr. Georgina Buford. I'll be your new therapist for your afternoon sessions," she said cheerfully.  
>I stared at her blankly, trying to figure out how easy she would be to scare away.<br>"In looking over your file it says you haven't actually talked, minus your episodes, for almost five months now. When you were first admitted and still talking I see a few notes stating how incoherent your speech and thought process were," she paused, seeing how I would react before she continued, "Anyway, I also see that ever since you've stopped talking you've been through quite a string of psychologists. I just want to let you know that I'm not like the others. It doesn't bother me that you don't talk. I figure that you will when you're ready and until then I'll just try my best to reassure you that you're in a safe environment and I'm here to help you."

I continued to stare at her. I have heard this all before. Each new shrink that gets my case thinks they will be different than the last and that they will do things on my time.

"I see noted here that you gave Dr. Raynor three pieces of paper this morning during your session. On one you'd written Lulu, another Trixie, and the last Rayne. None of those however are your name. You do know your name don't you? Well if not I could tell you but I think it'd be best for you to figure it out on your own."

I was still in my straight jacket but Lulu was feeling feisty. Slowly I got to my feet and began walking around the edge of the small cell. When I reached where Dr. Buford was sitting I leaned down and stared at her. I could tell she was tense and nervous; probably debating on if she needed to call for the guards.

"Is there anything you'd like to know about me?" she asked seemingly gaining courage.  
>I smiled slightly then shook my head no.<br>"Alright, well anything I can do for you?"  
>I tilted my head up, playing at being deep in thought then stared back at her and shook my arms.<br>"You want the straight jacket off?"  
>I nodded fervently.<br>"Well, alright, turn around," she said reluctantly.

Once I was free from it I walked to the corner furthest from her and sat down. I stared at my hands, turning them over a few times to examine them. My fingers had been bandaged at the infirmary and there were tiny abrasions along my knuckles from when I punched the floor. Just wanting to forget what had happened Lulu was feeling playful. Glancing towards Dr. Buford I noticed she was watching me curiously and scribbling something on her clipboard. I darted my eyes all around the room then decided to stand. Walking to the middle Lulu decided I should spin in circles, as if I was back in the field from my adventure in my imagination earlier. A playful look crept over my face as I let go of every thought except what it would feel like to be spinning in circles in a field of flowers, free from this place. Dr. Buford was watching me intently and when I was done I crouched down in front of her and pointed to the three sheets of paper that I wrote on. She looked at me quizzically then down at the sheets.

"What do these have to do with you spinning in circles?" she asked me.  
>A child like smile slipped over my lips as I laughed silently in my head.<p>

I retreated to the corner furthest from Dr. Buford for the remainder of our session. Rayne wanted time to analyze her and Lulu just wanted to be back in my regular cell.

My opinion of Dr. Buford so far was that she wanted to seem like she truly was different but she really was not. It was interesting though that she did not bring up my episode at all and instead kept questions to a minimum. In all reality she did not seem to know what exactly she was doing. It was as if she was just kind of making it up as she went.

* * *

><p><em>This won't turn out to be the typical Joker story. This is <strong>not a Joker romance<strong>. _

_Let me know what you think!_


	3. Chapter 3

I was kept in the isolation cell over night. Before going to my morning session with Dr. Raynor the guards placed another straight jacket on me. I was used to it though. After I had an episode the guards were always more cautious around me, as if I would snap at any moment. I guess they did not realize that I could control when I had my episodes, they were not random or triggered by an outside event.

With a guard on either side of me gripping my upper arms I was led towards the therapy room. Upon entering, Dr. Raynor asked them to remove the straight jacket. Once my arms were free I sat down at the table and stared blankly around the room.

"So, I hear you had another episode yesterday," Dr. Raynor began, jumping straight to the point.  
>I slowly turned my head to look at him.<br>"In looking over the report from yesterday you seemed to have injured yourself in a few places," he stated, hoping to get a response out of me.  
>Trixie was not pleased. Anger flashed over my eyes as my blank expression hardened.<br>"The infirmary seems to have fixed you up though and your fingers will heal in a few weeks. But I am going to recommend that you remain in a straight jacket for awhile when unsupervised."

I glared at him causing him to shift uncomfortably in his chair. Bringing a hand up I slammed it against the metal table and cocked my head to the left allowing a cruel smile to creep across my face. Dr. Raynor gulped audibly and nervously began shifting papers on his clipboard. I slowly got to my feet. Trixie was not happy about being told I was going to have to remain in a straight jacket for awhile. My lip curled up in an angry sneer then I turned and walked to the door. I pounded on it furiously, wanting to end my session early. Two guards came in and looked skeptically at Dr. Raynor.

"Its fine, just make sure she stays in a straight jacket when unsupervised until she's deemed no longer a threat," he said, answering the guards unspoken questions.

I was placed back in a straight jacket causing another hint of rage to flash across my face then led out of the room. In protest I refused to walk. Trixie was furious, Lulu was angry, and Rayne was irate. The guards gripped my arms and headed towards my cell causing my feet to drag against the ground. When we reached my door one of the guards let go causing me to slump against the other. I know I was being childish but I was angry and Lulu decided I should not make it easy on them. Glancing at 623 I could see he was lying on his bed but perked up once he saw me in the hallway. He sat up and stared at me with an intrigued look on his face. Once the door was open the guards sat me down on my bed then left.

I lowered my head dejected. I hated the feeling of being trapped in a straight jacket day and night. Deemed no longer a threat? I have never been a threat to anyone. The only reasons I get hurt are because it feels like my brain is on fire or in trying to restrain me the guards cause it. Not once have I thought 'hey I wonder what it would be like to hurt myself today; I think I am going try it.' Do they not realize that I am just trying to figure out who the hell I am? It is their own damn fault I stopped talking. They just had to label me crazy when I tried to tell them I did not know who I was. I am not crazy, at least I was not. Being in here though I think is slowly driving me mad.

When lunch rolled around a guard brought my tray in and set it down at the end of my bed. Already familiar with the routine I stood and turned around, allowing him to take the straight jacket off me. Keeping it in his hands he stood in the corner and watched me with a bored expression on his face. I barely touched my food. When I decided I was done I stood up again and waited patiently for the guard to place me back in the straight jacket.

After he left instead of sitting down I began pacing slowly around my cell. I was so close to figuring everything out yet I felt like I was a million miles away from the answer. The harder I tried to uncover who I was it seemed like the further I was pushed from it.

I came to a stop in front of the glass and stared at 623. Lulu was feeling very playful today, despite the restraints. 623 was sitting on his bed watching me. By now I was used to it. I swear the guy was infatuated with me or something. Crossing my legs I slowly took a seat on the floor, mimicking his posture. He cocked his eyebrow slightly, curious at what I was doing. I cocked mine. He cocked his higher; I did the same. He smiled then walked over to the glass. I got up and smiled too. Lulu was laughing hysterically in my head. This was just too fun. Usually when I played my games no one played back. I spent the next few minutes mimicking everything he did. A cocky grin played on his face as he took one arm and raised it to the side. I frowned and turned my back to him. Being in the straight jacket I could not mimic that. I immediately stopped laughing in my head and instead felt like crying.

"Psst." He was trying to get my attention.  
>I sat down and brought my knees to my chest.<br>"Psst," he did again only a lot louder.

Slowly I swiveled around to face him. He looked at me apologetically then bent down to be level with me. Tapping a finger against his chin he tilted his head up as if deep in thought. Suddenly he snapped his head back at me and grinned madly. Now I was the one who was curious. Breathing on the glass he caused it to fog over then wrote so I could read, 'WHY SO SERIOUS?' I burst into a fit of silent giggles. 623 stared at me like I had gone mad. After I had retained some clarity I plastered a crazy smile on my face then shrugged at him. Now it was his turn to laugh; only he was not silent. Suddenly an idea popped into my head, courtesy of Lulu. I quickly got to my feet. I stood in one spot for a minute then jumped to my left. I waited a few seconds then jumped to my left again. 623 looked at me thoroughly confused. Walking back to my original spot I did the same thing again. He shrugged his shoulders. A look of frustration crawled onto my face as I thought for a moment. Lulu had another idea. Walking back to my beginning spot I stood there then jumped once in place. I looked at 623 and waited for him to respond. He thought for a moment then held up one finger. I nodded frantically then jumped to my left. I paused a moment then jumped once again. He held up another finger. I jumped to my left then jumped once in place again. Following the pattern he held up a third finger. A sly smile crept onto my face as he looked between me and his hand. His face contorted as he concentrated deeply on something, the clue I had just given him. Lulu was laughing maniacally. The only person willing to help me figure myself out was another prisoner in the mad house. Oh the irony.

Soon the guards came to get me for my afternoon session with Dr. Buford. I frowned towards 623 as they led me out of my cell. As we started walking down the hallway I turned back and winked at him with a playful smile on my face.

"Hello today," Dr. Buford said energetically as I entered the therapy room.  
>I looked at her confused. She was definitely way too happy sometimes.<br>"Go ahead and remove the straight jacket," she said quietly to the guards.

After they were done I looked at the table I saw a box of crayons and a bunch of blank paper. Lulu was intrigued. What did the doctor lady have planned for today?

"I see you noticed the crayons and paper I brought," Dr. Buford smiled.  
>I slowly walked over and took a seat.<br>"In grad school I studied art therapy and so today I thought I'd try that. Once again you don't have to talk if you don't want to. All you have to do is draw what you feel. Express yourself, let yourself go and let your creativity take over."

Lulu wanted to dive right in but Rayne was hesitant. Did Dr. Buford really care or was this just something she read about in a book and figured she would try. Hesitantly I reached out for the box. My fingers were still bandaged so it was hard to get the crayons out causing me to quickly become frustrated.

"Here, let me help," Dr. Buford said kindly.  
>I watched as she took the box then dumped them all over the table.<br>"There, now it will be easier."

I grabbed the black crayon and a piece of paper. Hesitating a moment I looked up at Dr. Buford.

"Would you like me to draw with you?" she asked.

I nodded slightly then looked back down at my paper. Deciding on what I wanted to draw I set the black back down and picked up the yellow. I drew a stick figure girl with a smile on her face. Dr. Buford was intrigued. Then I grabbed the black again and proceeded to color over her and most of the page. When I was done I handed it to Dr. Buford then grabbed another sheet. I danced my fingers over the crayons until I found the white one. Glancing at Dr. Buford I saw confusion on her face. Lulu was thoroughly enjoying herself today. I smiled playfully then wrote 'NOTHING' in big letters, though you could not see them.

"Do you want to tell me what you wrote?" Dr. Buford asked.  
>I shook my head no then looked up at her.<br>"Alright, well I guess I'll have to figure it out myself," she said more to herself.

I grabbed another piece of paper and picked out five crayons; black, purple, pink, green, and yellow. This would be the biggest clue of all. That is if Dr. Buford was smart enough to figure it out. I picked up the pink and wrote 1, and then I grabbed the black and drew a plus sign. Picking up the purple I wrote another 1 then drew another black plus sign. Grabbing the green I wrote another 1 then I drew a black equal sign. Finally grabbing the yellow I wrote a final 1. I handed Dr. Buford the paper and watched her face become confused.

"One plus one plus one equals one," she read aloud.  
>I let a mischievous smile slip over my lips.<br>"Would you like to tell me what that means? Last time I checked one plus one plus one equaled three."  
>I shook my head bluntly.<br>"I'm supposed to figure out what this means?" she asked.  
>I gave a slight nod.<p>

For the rest of the session I drew flowers, three per page in pink, purple, and green. Lulu was highly amused that Dr. Buford was ignorant of what my drawings really meant. I practically told her that Lulu, Trixie, and Rayne were me. It is not my fault that she cannot understand what is so blatantly obvious. She is thinking way too literal and therefore will never understand just how valuable the information I gave her is.

When the guards came in and went to put the straight jacket back on me I pouted. Lulu just wanted to play but is restricted until Dr. Raynor says I am no longer a threat. Knowing him he will hold that over my head to make me talk.

"Is that really necessary?" Dr. Buford asked, noticing the look on my face.  
>"Until Dr. Raynor says so she's in this thing pretty much all day and night," one of the guards answered.<br>"She doesn't need to be."  
>"Take it up with her primary psychologist."<p>

The whole way back to my cell a look of defeat and sadness was etched into every feature of my face. Once I was in I turned and watched as the guards locked the door then walked away. I was about to sit on my bed and pout when 623 caught my attention. He tapped his head as if he had been thinking. I shrugged, still upset over being in the straight jacket for so long and knowing I would most likely never get out. He looked at me, tilted his head as if deep in thought, then traced a dramatic frown on his face and shrugged. I nodded slightly averting my eyes to the floor. In my peripheral I saw him walk to the glass and breathe on it. Looking up I saw him draw a question mark. Dejectedly I shook my arms as best I could. He seemed to understand because he nodded dramatically. I was about to turn around when he held up a hand to regain my attention. Looking at him once more I saw him hold up three fingers then point to me. Nodding I was curious as to what he figured out. Breathing on the glass again he drew a 3 then an equal sign then wrote 'you.' I nodded again and smiled. He may not fully understand the whole three equals me thing but at least he figured that one out. Lulu, Trixie, and Rayne were all tired and depressed. I yawned silently but dramatic enough for him to understand. He nodded slightly then gave a small wave. I smiled a little then lay down on my bed in an attempt to find some sleep.

A few hours later I was rudely awakened by a guard opening my door. He sat the tray on the corner of my bed then waited for me to get up. I obliged but made it known by the irritated look on my face that I was not happy. Dinner was mystery meat and what looked like month old vegetables. I picked through it the best I could but eventually gave up, more pissed off than before. When I signaled I was done the guard lazily put the straight jacket back on me then gathered up the tray and left.

Though completely infuriated I chanced a look at 623. He gave me a sympathetic look then tapped his wrist as if signaling for time. What time? I have nothing but time locked away in here. I looked him quizzically which earned me a cocky grin. Maybe he wanted more time with me but we literally stared at each other all day. Infuriated enough already I dramatically threw myself back on my bed and tried to go back to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

The next few days passed fairly monotonously. Dr. Raynor pestered me with useless questions wanting to know about my episode and if I had any more violent thoughts. 623 and I continued our little game. Every time I would leave he would mock sadness causing me to giggle silently. Dr. Buford had me do more art therapy much to Lulu's delight. I was still confined to the straight jacket though and knew any day now Dr. Raynor would use it in an attempt to bribe me.

This morning I woke up with sore shoulders. The straight jacket was taking a toll on me. Pain glanced across my face as I attempted to adjust my arms slightly. 623 must have noticed because he quickly gained my attention and gave me a curious look. I shrugged my shoulders a few times and deliberately contorted my face in pain. He nodded and frowned in understanding then once again tapped his wrist, as if signaling for time. I looked at him annoyed, unable to get his meaning. He smirked then nodded his head down the hall. I looked where he signaled and saw a guard walking this way with a tray. Had I not been used to absorbing every detail I would have missed the split second look of recognition he sent towards 623. Looking back at 623 I cocked an eyebrow curiously only to find him smiling madly. The guard opened my door and set the tray down. I turned around allowing him to undo the straight jacket and noticed he was standing extremely close to me. Trixie was on full alert.

"Relax, I'm a friend," he whispered, "We have a mutual friend across the hall. He wants me to keep an eye on you."

I acknowledged by nodding ever so slightly but remained on alert. Slipping the straight jacket off me he retreated to the corner and glanced at 623. Shifting my eyes I looked across the hall for reassurance. 623 gave a subtle nod then turned his attention back to the hallway where another guard was distributing breakfast for everyone else. I sat down on my bed cautiously eyeing my new 'friend' closely. He was definitely new here. I rarely paid much attention to the guards but I always knew when there was a new face. We locked eyes and he seemed to silently attempt to reassure me that he meant me no harm. Rayne being the ever cautious one was skeptical. I felt I could trust 623 so I put a lot of faith in the guard but knew that if he tried anything Trixie would not hold back.

"Our mutual friend feels you don't eat enough. Not that the food here is any good but if you want I could try to sneak some stuff in for you," he said quietly, keeping a look of disinterest in place in case anyone walked by.  
>I nodded slightly, never taking my eyes from my breakfast.<br>"I bet you'd like it if the straight jacket wasn't so tight too."  
>I nodded again chancing a quick look at him.<p>

He did not seem so bad. Usually the guards never interacted with me outside of their job. Knowing that he knew 623 helped quell a lot of questions. If I did not know any better I would say that 623 actually cared about my well being.

When I was finished I stood up and waited for my new friend to redo the straight jacket. Once again he was very close to me.

"I left it a little loose so you can move around slightly," he said as he finished securing it.

I turned to face him and allowed a small smile to glance over my face. After he left I turned my attention to 623. I gave him an appreciative smile and nodded. He returned the smile then bowed dramatically. This sent Lulu into a fit. I giggled silently then did my best attempt at a curtsey. 623 laughed manically bringing a goofy smile to my face.

Soon enough it was time for my morning session with Dr. Raynor. The same guard from this morning opened my door. He waited patiently for me to get up, yep definitely a friend of 623, and then only played at gripping my arm while in reality he barely touched it. When we reached the therapy room he was as gentle as he could be when removing the straight jacket.

"Good morning," Dr. Raynor said.  
>I stared at him as I took a seat at the table.<br>"Dr. Buford has been trying some art therapy. While her progress is minimal at best it is still progress," he commented, trying for some sort of reaction.  
>I laughed internally at his feeble attempt at dialog.<br>"Well let's talk about the straight jacket, shall we?"  
>While maintaining a solid front, Rayne perked up, interested in what he had to say.<br>"It's been a little over a week since your attack and you show no signs of another episode or violent behavior."  
>Tell me something I do not already know I thought to myself.<br>"You've got two options. Either you start talking and I remove the straight jacket or I stick you in isolation," he said in a low tone.  
>Trixie took over going in to survival mode.<br>"What will it be?" he said menacingly.  
>I stared at him not betraying the anger within me.<br>"You know you're the most frustrating case I've ever had. Even having worked with the Joker I still find you more irritating. You refuse to talk and when you did all you spouted was nonsense. Half the time you seem like one person while the other half you're almost a completely different one. You make absolutely no sense. You better start talking. If not, then in five minutes I'm having you hauled down to isolation to see if that will put some sense in you."

I was infuriated. Rage inched over every bit of my body causing Dr. Raynor to take notice. I slowly stood and leaned over the table at him. He leaned back slightly as a look of fear glanced across his face. I noticed though and let a maniacal smile slowly creep over my lips. He may have put up a front but I could tell I was making him very uneasy.

"Guard!" Dr. Raynor yelled, trying to keep his voice from cracking.  
>The door open and in walked 'my' guard.<br>"Put her back in the straight jacket and take her down to isolation where she will remain until I say. The straight jacket is not to be removed except for eating."

I turned slowly and glared at the guard. In an instant he knew something was not right. Obliging Dr. Raynor's orders he put the straight jacket back on me but made sure to keep it loose. Walking out of the room he led me to the same isolation cell I was placed in after my episode.

"What the hell happened?" he asked quietly once in the cell  
>I turned to look at him and silently pleaded with him.<br>"Ok ok, so I kinda overheard what he said."  
>I turned my head down, infuriated and depressed.<br>"Hey now, we'll figure something out. I'll talk with our friend and see what we can do," he offered.

I nodded dejectedly then sat on the floor. He turned to look at me again before leaving. If he had stayed any longer it would have seemed suspicious. I made my way over to a corner and curled up there. When lunch came I did not even touch my food, concerning my guard friend. Eventually Dr. Buford came for my afternoon session but I did not acknowledge her presence. Seeing she would not make any progress she ended it early and left. I spent the rest of the day on the brink of tears. This was unfair and wrong. I hated Dr. Raynor for doing this to me.

I stayed curled up in the corner for days barely moving or acknowledging anyone that came in. Dr. Raynor would not even show up for my morning sessions. My guard friend became more concerned each time he saw me. I completely lost track of time. It could have been four days it could have been two weeks, either way I did not really care.

The door opened and in walked my guard friend carrying a food tray. He closed the door behind him then set the tray down and came over to me.

"Hey, you need to eat. I know you don't want to but you need to," he said quietly.  
>I shrugged slightly, the most response he had gotten from me in awhile.<br>"It'll be ok, just gotta hold out a few more days. Our mutual friend has a plan, don't worry," he whispered then pushed some hair out of my face.  
>I glanced up at him.<br>"Don't look at me like that. Soon enough we'll be out of here, I promise and so does our mutual friend."

That should have intrigued me but it did not. I shrugged my shoulders again before he rose then carried the tray back out.

What Dr. Raynor had said repeated in my mind. It was then Rayne perked up and became intrigued with something he had alluded to. Who was this Joker person he mentioned? Maybe he was some sort of criminal or just one of the regular crazies. Who goes around calling themselves the Joker? Was he some sort of clown? I wonder if he wore clown make-up. Any guy who walks around wearing clown make-up and calling himself the Joker has some serious issues. Hell any guy wearing make-up period has issues. Lulu found this train of thought hilarious and for the first time since being thrown in isolation I giggled silently to myself.

Before long Dr. Buford opened my door. My guard friend followed her in and walked over to me. I looked up hesitantly at him but found reassurance written on his face.

"Do you think she'd be up to walking?" Dr. Buford directed towards my guard.  
>"Doubt it. She hasn't moved since being put in here. You know that," he responded, turning slightly towards her.<br>"Alright. Think you can manage her? She needs to be seen by a doctor."  
>"Yea, no problem."<p>

He turned back to me then bent down. Seemingly effortlessly he picked me up and followed Dr. Buford out of the cell. I rested my head against his chest silently telling him I trusted him. It did not take long to reach the infirmary. My guard gently set me down on the table then undid the straight jacket. Dr. Buford and my guard stood to the side when the doctor came in.

"She no longer needs bandages on her fingers but it will be a while before they're fully healed," he said examining my hands.  
>Dr. Buford nodded then noted something down in my file as the doctor quickly looked over my other injuries.<br>"The other injuries from her episode are all healed," he finally commented.

The doctor then gave me a basic check up. When he asked me to lift my arms I refused, knowing how badly it would hurt. Ignoring my refusal he began moving my arms causing a look of pain to flash across my face. This immediately concerned him.

"How long has she been in that straight jacket for?" he asked Dr. Buford.  
>"Almost two weeks."<br>"You have to take her out. She's in a lot of pain and its putting too much strain on her shoulders," he said seriously.  
>"This is what we talked about. Dr. Raynor claims that it's for her own protection."<br>"He's torturing her," the doctor said lowly, "I won't condone this. He will be reported."  
>"I don't condone it either. She's not a threat to herself. She exhibits no signs of someone who wants to purposefully harm themselves."<br>The doctor turned towards me, "I know this is going to hurt but I need to examine your shoulders."  
>I merely looked at him, too defeated to argue or complain.<p>

It did not take him long. He felt my joints and the muscles surround my shoulder blades. While it did hurt fairly badly I maintained my empty, emotionless façade.

"I'm prescribing a muscle relaxant and an anti-inflammatory. I don't care what Dr. Raynor thinks, my medical analysis trumps his psycho babble bullshit. If I find out she was put back into that straight jacket for so much as a second he will regret ever having crossed me," the doctor said.  
>"Thank you. Should I inform Dr. Raynor or will you?" Dr. Buford asked.<br>"I will. Here are her pills, make sure she takes them before you return her to isolation."

After that the doctor left. Filling a glass with water and grabbing the pills from the counter Dr. Buford walked over to me. I glanced at my guard and saw a faint reassuring nod, telling me everything was ok.

"Here you go," Dr. Buford said kindly.

I hesitated then slowly reached up and grabbed the pills from her outstretched hand. Placing them in my mouth I took the glass of water and brought it to my lips. After swallowing the pills I took a few more sips to rinse my mouth then handed the empty glass back to her. She smiled at me then signaled for my guard. He walked over and gently picked me. I leaned into him comfortably as he followed Dr. Buford out of the infirmary.

"Oh crap, I've got another patient session. Can you manage getting her back without me?" Dr. Buford asked glancing at her watch.  
>"Of course," my guard responded nonchalantly.<p>

Dr. Buford turned and walked towards the therapy room while my guard continued towards the isolation cells. For the first time I felt completely defeated. Why should I even try to communicate with them? It is like they do not care about actually helping patients and instead only care about how many the "successfully" treat.

"Don't give up just yet," my guard said.  
>I lolled my head a little discouraged.<br>"Not much longer and we'll be out of here."

After he unlocked the door and walked in he gently set me down on the padded floor. I pathetically crawled my way over to the far corner and lay down. My guard sighed quietly and turned to leave. Lulu just wanted to cry. This was unfair, completely unfair. Trixie had all but given up. Rayne was the only part trying to hold it together and trying to keep Lulu and Trixie from completely crashing.


	5. Chapter 5

I must have slept the rest of the day and through the night. The sound of the door being opened pulled me from the darkness.

"You're going back to your cell," my guard smiled slightly as he walked over to me.

I just lolled my head slightly to look up at him.

"From what I hear Dr. Buford has been made your temporary primary and has ordered you out of solitary."

I lowered my head again and stared at the ground, barely registering what he said.

"Don't seem like you want to walk so if you don't mind I'll go ahead and carry you down there."

My body was limp against his chest as he gently lifted me off the ground. A blank expression consumed my face as I barely registered passing through the halls. Only when my guard stopped did I realize we were back on the maximum security block. After opening my cell door my guard gently set me down on my bed, making sure I would not fall off. The sound of my cell door locking informed he had left and I was once again alone. Well, not completely alone. At least here I could see some of the other prisoners. It was not much consolation though. 623 was not there so I assumed he was at his therapy session.

For once my mind was completely blank, all three personalities were completely devoid of any idea or thought. I stared blankly towards the floor as I rested haphazardly against the wall. It was times like this I felt like giving up and completely shutting off from reality. The only movement I made was the slight rising and falling from breathing and the occasional blink of my eyes. Eventually I heard faint footsteps coming down the hall. I barely registered the noise and would have completely dismissed it except they stopped right in front of my cell. A faint tapping on the glass caused me to move my head slightly and glance at the hallway. I saw 623 staring at me curiously while my guard, our mutual friend, was unlocking his cell. Gathering seemingly unknown energy I slowly rose from my bed and walked over to the glass. 623's expression changed to one of serious contemplation as I neared him. Bringing my hand up I gently rested it flat against the glass, my fingertips still tender. Before 623 could respond my guard gently grabbed his arm and nudged him into his cell. I allowed my hand to fall lazily back down to my side and was about to turn away when 623 tapped on his glass. Breathing on it he drew a large question mark. I mimicked his actions causing fog to appear on my glass. 'SAVE ME' I wrote before staring at him. I am certain I looked absolutely pathetic. My face held nothing more than a hollow expression and I had lost enough weight my bright orange prisoner uniform hung loosely to my shoulders. I had not been given a new one after my last episode so this one was sporting quite a few bloodstains.

623 stared back at me intently. Whoever he was, whatever he did to be placed here, it did not matter. He was my salvation, my only hope of keeping my sanity.

I crumpled to the floor suddenly earning a split second look of surprise from 623. Right now I felt as if I had nothing left in me to carry on. Lulu did not even feel playful anymore. She just felt broken. Trixie was full of despair. No matter what nothing would change. Eventually I would be pushed past the breaking point of my sanity. Rayne feared this the most. She knew that once it happened, there would be no hope left. Once I was gone, it would be forever. No one would ever know what truly happened and I would never figure out who I was or why I was held in the maximum security block of Arkham.

I knew very little about what actually happened. From what I remembered or was told from my episodes was that I had been attacked. Someone had betrayed me and I may have even known my attacker. Maybe it was family, maybe it was just someone random. Not knowing what happened was driving me mad. The scars on my body told me whatever happened had been vicious and I probably was not supposed to have survived.

How long I lay there I do not know. The whole time though 623 sat on his bed and stared at me. I barely noticed anything and it was not until someone actually touched my arm that I realized the door to my cell had opened.

"Are you ok?" Dr. Buford's sickly sweet voice rang out.

I did not move.

"Well, I figured maybe you'd be more comfortable in your cell so I thought we'd do our session in here today," she continued.

I heard her walk over and gently sit on my bed. Flicking my eyes to 623 I saw a look of mild curiosity on his face as he watched my interaction, or lack thereof, with Dr. Buford. A small smirk played across my lips as Lulu began waking up. This time she and Trixie would team up. 623 cocked his eyebrow at me, noticing the wicked expression on my once blank face. I slowly got up, keeping my back turned towards Dr. Buford.

"Well I'm glad to see you up and moving," she said with fake enthusiasm.

I turned on my heel to face her. She tensed slightly though she probably did not even realize it. Bringing my hand up I drug it along the glass and wall as I walked around the perimeter of my cell to where Dr. Buford was sitting. I stood directly in front of her, toe to toe, and stared down at her. She looked up at me and gulped slightly.

"I uh, brought some crayons and paper. In case you wanted to draw again," she said nervously.

I curled my lips up in a sickly sweet smile.

"Here you go," she stuttered as she pulled the materials out.

I quickly grabbed them from her and went to sit against the wall directly opposite her. Opening the box I dumped all the crayons out on the floor and ran my fingers over them until I found the black one. Trixie began giggling manically as she and Lulu formed a plan. Dr. Buford was sure in for a surprise. I placed a sheet of paper in front of me then wrote 'WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY SCARS?' Picking up the paper I stood and held it by my side, purposely letting 623 see what I had written, as I walked back over to Dr. Buford. Once again I stood toe to toe with her and handed her the paper.

"Would you like to see my scars," she muttered reading it.

A smirk played across my face.

"I know all about your scars," she said.

I rolled my eyes and pointed to the paper.

"Well, sure I guess. I've only seen the photos from the crime scene and the hospital." Bingo, she walked right into it.

I took off my bright orange top and threw it towards the back of the cell leaving me in the matching pants and a white wife beater. In my peripheral I saw 623 straighten up slightly; though he played at nonchalance I knew he was watching my every move. I slowly lifted the bottom of my top and tucked it under my bra. Running diagonal on my right side was a thick, rigid scar most likely from some sort of serrated knife. On my left right above my hip bone were three burn marks. The last scar on my front went from my collar bone on my left side diagonal down to my sternum. I turned slowly, allowing 623 a look, and walked back to the crayons and paper.

"Do you know how you got them?" Dr. Buford asked.

I shook my head that I did not.

"I do."

I smirked; bitch was playing a game with me. Lulu loved to play games and with Trixie's help it would be quite devious. Grabbing another piece of paper and the black crayon I began writing again. When I was finished I stared down at the paper. 'I AM A MONSTER' it read in jagged letters. I tossed the paper towards the good doctor and watched silently as she moved to pick it up.

"A monster? Now why would you consider yourself a monster?" she asked.

A smirk returned to my face as I shrugged, feigning nonchalance.

"Could it be you feel that what happened to you and what you did liberated you in a way? Maybe fighting him off wasn't enough and didn't leave you satisfied. Maybe that's why you-" she stopped suddenly, finally realizing she almost said too much.

I rolled my eyes and glanced at 623. It was obvious, to me at least, that he was thoroughly intrigued by my session.

"Well I think that's enough for today. If you'd like, I'll leave the crayons and paper so you can draw more. I know you like to draw and maybe it will help you deal with everything you've done," Dr. Buford stated while standing.

I shrugged and crossed my arms in front of me. She looked down at me, giving me an overly faked smile before leaving my cell. Once she was long gone I heard 623 tap on his glass. Getting up I walked over to the glass and watched 623. 'PRETTY SCARS PRETTY GIRL' he wrote. I rolled my eyes and turned around searching for the piece of paper that said 'I AM A MONSTER.' Seeing it I quickly retrieved it and showed it to him again. He smirked at me then wrote 'EXACTLY.' I cocked an eyebrow, confused at what he meant. Shrugging my shoulders I tossed the piece of paper aside then sat back down where the drawing supplies were. 623 continued to smile as he retreated to his bed and sat down, watching me.

Lulu was ecstatic that Dr. Buford left the crayons and paper. She loved to draw and was happy that she now had a creative outlet. Trixie also liked to draw, though her drawings were violent, gory, and dark. Now that I had free reign to draw whenever I wanted Rayne would have to play mediator between the two. During sessions Trixie backed down and let Lulu have her chance since Lulu didn't have many creative outlets.

Tapping my finger against my chin in a dramatic fashion I contemplated on what I should draw first. Trixie decided I should stick with the whole 'MONSTER' theme so I picked up the black crayon and went to work. The whole time I was drawing Rayne was keenly aware of 623 watching me intently. I was used to it by now but I still didn't understand what he saw in me. I was glad for the interaction but honestly I didn't find myself that interesting. I mean I didn't talk so the only interaction we had was non-verbal. He didn't seem to mind though and I think that was my main reason for not just blowing him off. Unlike everyone else who focused on trying to force me to talk he stayed silent, just like me. He didn't seem to mind the non-verbal communication.

When I finished with my drawing I set down the black crayon and held the paper out in front of me to take a look. There was a man lying in an alley between two buildings. It was obvious from the details that he was dead, most likely murdered by the woman I drew standing, looking down at him. She had a pipe in her hand and a smile on her face. Trixie was pleased with the drawing so I smiled then showed it to 623. He immediately got up from his bed and walked over to his glass. Understanding he wanted a better look I too got up and then stood across from him holding my drawing up to the glass. He was clearly intrigued by what I drew as I watched him study it closely. For the rest of the afternoon I drew pictures and showed them to 623. Some were from Trixie and others from Lulu.


End file.
